November 1, 2013

Phantom Limbs & Peanuts

I have been advised to write things down.

I have kept a journal about my thoughts on paper, but I am afraid that when I get emotional my handwriting tends to get really sloppy. I love to type, and am fairly fast at it, so forgive me for another emotional post, I just feel the need to get some of these feelings loose.

I was so excited to have another boy after Everett. Before Devin was born, I had already planned our next 10 halloweens based on the sole fact that Devin, was in fact, a boy. So many Disney movies, family movies, have the one sister, two brothers, or five main characters. I was so excited.

Devin's first and only Halloween he matched his brother, they were Thor and Loki. I am so incredibly thankful that I took so many pictures of them.

This year, I had planned for all of us to be the Peter Pan crew. I was going to be Wendy, with Kurt as John, and Devin as Michael. Everett and Reese were, of course, going to be Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, respectively. I got Reese so excited about this theme, even after everything that happened with Devin,  I wasn't able to convince her out of it.  Emotionally I was dreading Halloween, something I never do, I love Halloween, I love dressing up, but this year was different.

Next year we were going to be the Peanuts gang.

In themed with Halloween, I DVR'ed Charlie Brown's It's The Great Pumpkin.

When all three of my children were born, each had a very specific personality.  I couldn't even begin to explain to you how amazing, I think, our spirits are.  I am thoroughly convinced that they make up 99% of who we are and the last 1% is our physical body.

 Having said that, Devin had a very distinct personality. Besides for being so incredibly peaceful, and impossible to discipline (he was SUCH a good baby), he was 100% little baby boy. By that, I mean that he did all the adorable things you see babies do, suck their thumbs, giggle when you tickle thier chin and say, "Gootchie goo," carry around their blanket, pick up their pacifier and put it in his mouth, make cute little baby sounds, he was 100% cliché baby.

So, appropriately, we nick-named him Baby Linus. He was 100% Linus from Peanuts. If you have ever watched the shows, or read the comics, you would know that Linus was extremely intelligent, and was most often known for carrying his blanket everywhere and quoting scripture or philosophies. Now, Devin could not talk, but his spirituality definitely was apparent with his peacefulness.  He dragged his blanket around everywhere, he would drape it on his head (like Linus in the Christmas movie), he would suck his thumb (or his pacifier), I just loved it.

Every time we would see Peanut stuff at Hallmark, or Target, or wherever, we would always stop and giggle about how much my kids are Peanut characters.  My other two children are pretty darn close to Lucy (bossy and talkative) and Schroeder (artistic and keeps to himself), So I have always had a very endearing place in my heart for the Peanuts. (Kurt is definitely Snoopy and I am the adult that everyone just hears the "Waaawaaawawawawawa" in the background.)

Thus brings us to today.

After dropping Reese off at school, we came home to watch It's The Great Pumpkin before Everett's school. Linus, starts off the movie, and I just lost it. I thought I would be able to handle it, have it be a cute little reminder of my Devin, but it was just emotionally too much.

"Good grief," I thought in my Charlie Brown voice.

I just miss him so much.

Every single day I wake up feeling that I have forgotten something. Every single minute I feel anxiety that I am leaving something behind. When I sit quietly I can still feel him. I am so afraid that I will forget his silky skin and his chubby little thighs. I catch myself several times a day asking Kurt or the kids where baby Devin is. I never let it escape my mouth, I catch myself right in time.

This phantom limb sensation is just horrible.  I feel him. I love him.

It isn't getting any easier.

I have really bad days, and I have not so bad days.

I have a feeling these holidays are going to be hard.

I still feel like I need to apologize to people. I am not ok. I do put on an emotionless front. I know I am a strong person. I hide behind my humor. I think people mistake that for apathy or emotional stability.

I feel like an egg, just one little crack and it ALL comes spilling out.

Please don't come up to me and hold me. A quick hug hello and goodbye is good. Don't linger. Don't remind me that I have lost something that is the most precious thing in the world.  I don't need a reminder from you. I don't need the long lingering teary eyed words of encouragement.

You make it worse.  Don't worry, I still cry myself to sleep. I still cry about 10 times a day. But that is private, that is for me, not for you.

Devin is extremely sacred to me.

I am so grateful for my family: Dakota, Jocelynn, and Shelley. They ask for nothing in return for me venting and crying with them. I trust them utterly and completely. They know the real me.

I am continually so grateful for the glimpse of perfection and heaven that lived with us for a year and a half.  True perfection. My Devin.

1 comment:

Jen R. said...

Love you so much. I know that you are a wonderful mother and that your Halloween with Reese and Everett was wonderful despite your pain. Never feel like you have to apologize to anyone. I thought about you late last night and thought of Devin while I looked at your Halloween pics the few that were posted so far I missed him terribly. I had that same feeling you spoke of when I saw the picture of the ride and I almost thought "Who has Devin?" I hope you know that I am always always here for you as well even though I am so far away. We need to have the kids Skype again soon. They miss their cousins so much!