January 29, 2014

6 months later... this is where I am at.

I've been given advice to keep writing things down. It helps 'therapeutically'.

Days and weeks seem to drift by aimlessly as I struggle to make sense of my life. There is nothing on this earth that seems to comfort me.  I have moments where I can find happiness, true happiness, but it doesn't happen very often. I keep up appearances, smile, engage people in conversation, act like a human being. When, if I am honest with myself, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Six month later and my heart still aches as it did that day.

As a mother I strive to keep up my daily life as normal as possible for my other two children. I take them to school, joke around, make their food, put them in time-out, and cuddle. I try so very hard to be normal and put together for them.

I worry about my husband. I feel like I need to be the strong one in the family. I need to keep everything together.

And it's just getting to be too much.

I tend to pride myself on my ability of self-control, honesty, and independence. But recently, I just feel myself unravelling. It's been long enough now, where I know that he isn't coming back to me. He really is gone from my life.

I have two hours a day where I am completely alone. I fill that time with homework and chores. Rarely do I have an instance where I do absolutely nothing. Today, I just needed to write. I should be sitting at this desk doing grammar exercises for my English class, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now.

I miss him so terribly.

The holidays were emotionally horrific. It was nice to see my nieces and nephews, and to see the fun that my children have with them. But every day we were all together, there was always someone missing. There was always a smile missing from our pictures.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't be the person to start avoiding the one year olds, but I just can't help myself.  I just can't stand it. Every single day was a vivid reminder that my son was gone. Every time complaints were made about changing diapers I almost broke down and just cried. I would kill to change my son's diapers again. I would do anything humanly possible to give him medicine again, to stay home with him, to play with him. How dare you complain. And yet, I said nothing. It's not their fault I feel this way. They wouldn't understand.

Some days I just wish that I could forget him all together. The anguish that I feel for him is unbearable. How does Heavenly Father expect me to live 60 more years without him, carrying this around with me for the rest of my life?

I wish people would just shut up and give me a hug.  I don't need sentimental crap. I need someone to talk to, that I won't burden, that will listen. I do read each and every email, post, letter, and message. Thank you to all who have taken time out and written me. I don't normally write back, but I just wanted to let you know it doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

Being told that I am strong is ridiculous. Having my son pass away and have every aspect of my existence called into question, as I strive to continue a normal life, and be a good wife and mother, as I feel my mind just collapse, is strength?

I don't care who you are. If you have something so precious be taken away, you will question your faith. You will want to know FOR A FACT where the hell your child is. Everything about my religion is sounding more and more ridiculous. Every religion sounds absurd. Is religion here just to placate the natural man? To give purpose to this really shitty life? At this point, I just don't know.

I find comfort in the teachings of the LDS faith. I do. It puts my heart at ease. But, do I KNOW that this is the truth? No. Not yet, at least, according to LDS scholars, I need to ponder and pray more. Because, earnestly and humbly praying to save my son's life worked so well.

That's the best any religion can do, is to give you hope that this life isn't for nothing.

I do find comfort in things. I find comfort in silence. I find comfort in my children (when they are peaceful). I find comfort in school.

I would have never known that school would help me so much. We only meet once a week, but that two and a half hours is just perfect to get my mind off of my life, and on to something else. No other family is there. It's just me and my classmates. They bring me more comfort than they will ever know.  I feel human again. I feel like I am making a difference. It makes me feel like I am progressing somewhere in my life.

I am told that there is hope, that I will again find joy. That the heartbreak will never go away, but it will lighten.  I really do hope that they are right.


Jen R. said...

Love you. And I'm always here to listen if you need me.

Laura Mushrush said...

You are always in our thoughts and prayers!

Dear Angie said...

I don't know you as well as everyone else does, but not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Please keep writing. Your words are beautiful.

Dear Angie said...

(above comment is from amy larson)

Anonymous said...

Not a single word, concept, thought,observation, or questioning of this life I have not or am not experiencing. Adam has been gone 3 years now and it takes my breath away....especially the 60 year thought...I hate, yes hate....how long and tortured that feels. Almost dehabilitating at times. I too am the strength and heart of the family. I too at times rock that roll and other times want to quit! Yes we have so much left to be blessed in and for, but our sweet sons absences, ahhhh....to live this life truly brokenhearted....sucks...like no other . Their are no words to explain this pain, burden, sorrow...no words that match this extreme and harsh pain. I wanted to thank you for sharing and reminding me im not alone...YOU are not alone. Alex, some days this cycle goes around and around, but somewhere in Gods amazing, true and pure love....comes peace...love...Gods love, not of this earth.....His promise to heal the brokenhearted ...is true. The pain does lessen and easier to carry with us. It has empowered me to hover above this earthly chaos and choose to see, hear and feel Gods arms around me. It takes practice snd discipline, but it is such a gift. Let yourself be pissed, sad, happy...whatever you need. HE understands and will hold is up when we want to collapse. Oh how I could go on and on. Just know you are exactly where you should be and give yourself grace. I love your heart so very much. I hope we can meet someday...until then, I find comfort our angels are together and I believe they are praying for the both of us! Much love, melissa deegan

Unknown said...

Dear Alex,
I think of you so often. I have never read the words of a grieving parent that impact me more than yours. I am praying that you will get the surety of where your baby is.Praying that your moments of peace and respite grow longer each day.
Love you and your sweet family.

HollySaysSo said...

Oh, Alex. I had no idea. I know you wrote this in January, but I want to run up to you and hug the heck out of you... but I don't want to disturb the peace you find in school. I'm glad it comforts you. I'm glad you have a place that helps you feel human. No one should have to go through what you have. No one. I hope you can find solace in Elder Sadler's lessons, too. I hope you understand that you have every right to feel hurt and question your testimony, now and any time. But I also hope that you can find comfort in the knowledge that you will be with your precious boy again because of the gospel. The hows and whys probably won't be answered in this life, and that sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss and anguish.

lovely oil lady said...

First, thank you for sharing your testimony this week in church. It strengthened me to know that you are finding moments of peace and most importantly that you are still receptive to the gospel and receiving love and the gifts of the spirit through your prayers and desire for the plan of salvation to be true. I had not read your blog until today, but I felt inspired to look it up when my mom called me about something that my Sister's husbands family is struggling with. Thank you for sharing your truth so openly. I have questioned, been angered with God, and have had my beliefs shaken as I watched our dearest friends lose their baby after months of blessings and prayers. I am highly empathetic and I felt a just a small portion of their pain. It was so hard for me to understand how and why this thing could happen to such good people (or anyone for that matter). I had my own new baby at that time and I felt guilty for her health and it was hard to spend time with them. I asked my friend how she was staying strong and wasn't she angry and experiencing some of the things that I was feeling. She told me she HAD to have faith in the gospel plan. It's what got her through her days. She told me everyday after she got the kids off to school she'd cry for her baby and she'd pray, and she'd be given peace and sometimes, she would feel her sweet spirit. I learned to stop asking Why these things happen and to focus on the love and the spirit that can be present even in the most miserable and worst of times. It's been several years since then, two more beautiful girls have joined the family. She still misses and yearns and aches, but they allow themselves to find and create joy. I see so much courage in them to face everyday and have hope and create beauty and appreciate all. It took me about a year to recover from my own waverings from their tragedies (they lost their home to the fires 2 months after their baby died). I found my answers in the peace of the scriptures and in the consistency of being present in the gospel and gospel activities. I found the faith I never thought I had in my everyday efforts to live the gospel. I find my faith growing when I hear testimonies such as yours that reminds me of His great love. I don't intend for any of this to be meaningless sentiment. It's ok if it feels that way to you if that's what is. It's not meaningless to me because it really does mean something to me. I'm not even really sure why I'm sharing it, but maybe to say Thank you for helping me continue to heal some deep things within my heart by sharing your growth in your own pain and heartache. No one expects what we call "strength" all the time, in fact if I were to define strength it probably would not match the typical image of it because to me I see strength in a different light where vulnerability, pain and a full range of emotions are allowed. Its the constancy of returning to the Lord, our true source of strength, that I think is important.- Aleta

Unknown said...

I wish living well with this loss was as easy as proving I'm not a robot. Look, see, type four, or three, strokes and, I'm proven! My parents lost two sons---10 mos. Michael, heart defect; 3 yrs., 2 mos., Tony, run over by a bus, literally. Your sunflower is eternal and, though v. busy with his work and joy, he checks in with you as much as you feel him. Your expression, your writing, is heart-expanding. You are living love. Bless you with increasing peace girl.